Here Without You
by Spanish Inquisition
Summary: Future-Songfic. A year after Marie's death, Jason goes back to Paris and on one snowy afternoon he reminices about his times with her. To the song "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down.


Yuki: Welcome, one and all. I stole my brother's iTunes playlist and this song was on there. I'm like, "Hey, I know this song!" and I listened to it a good six times before I realized it sounded like Jason. :D

Hikari: -pokes Yuki- Oooooooo, you know you're just digging a deeper ditch for yourself!

Yuki: -BLUSH- SHUT UP! . -runs into Hikari-

Hikari: AHH, I HAVE THE EBOLA VIRUS! -runs screaming- (isj)

Azumi: Shin-chan likes Matt Damon.

Disclaimer: I don't own 3 Doors Down or the Bourne movies. All I own is a Bourne Identity desktop.

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_A hundred days have made me older _

_Since the last time that I saw your pretty face _

_A thousand lies have made me colder _

_And I don't think I can look at this the same _

_But all these miles that separate _

_Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face _

Jason woke slowly, blinking in the light that came through his curtains. He sat up slowly, letting his mind clear. He thought of his dream. Marie.

It was a year since Marie's passing. Jason had gone back to Paris, back to his apartment. He realized he shouldn't have. It reminded him too much of his love.

Jason still hadn't remembered much about his past. He still hadn't gone back to Pamela Landy to talk about it, either. He had the feeling he didn't want to know what his life was like before Marie. Marie, he felt, was the best thing that ever happened to him. With her there, he was in heaven.

He still loved her, he kept the picture of the two of them on his bedside table and looked at it every morning, every night. It still brought tears to his eyes to think of how she died.

The embassy, the assassin, the truck and the bridge in Goa. It angered him. If he hadn't asked her to drive that car, she would still be alive.

_I'm here without you, baby_

_But you're still on my lonely mind_

_I think about you, baby_

_And I dream about you all the time_

_I'm here without you, baby_

_But you're still with me in my dreams_

_And tonight it's only you and me_

He cursed himself and stood up and dressed, staring at the picture of him and Marie. He knew he shouldn't punish himself and that he really should move on. But he couldn't. He finished dressing and left the apartment, deciding to take a walk in the cool Paris air.

It was surprisingly quiet for France. Not many people were out driving, or walking, for that matter. It began to snow and it reminded him of the day in Zurich when he first met Marie in that alleyway, asking her for a ride to his apartment in Paris in exchange for 20,000. He smiled as he remembered the look on her face when he threw the money at her.

"_Was, denken Sie, daß ich ein Dummkopf bin?(1)"_ She had said.

"Ich denke mich ein Dummkopf jetzt, Marie.(2)" Jason muttered to himself.

The miles just keep rollin'

As the people leave their way to say hello

I've heard this life was overrated

But i hope that it gets better as we go

Jason stopped at an outdoor café and sat, watching the cars go by. A red Mini Cooper drove past, and with a pang of guilt he remembered how he and his love escaped the police and stopped in that parking garage.

"_You can never come back to this car, you understand?" He told her._

What if she liked that car, Jason thought with a bit of black humor. He focused his attention back on the other side of the street where a couple sat, laughing and holding hands. It painfully reminded him of how Marie had gotten scared he was going to hurt her on the way to Paris.

"_I just want the ride, you want the money. I just need you to drive me to Paris, like we're a couple. Just a couple traveling together." _He told her when she ran out of the car, frightened for her life.(3) Or... something like that, he thought.

_I'm here without you, baby_

_But you're still on my lonely mind_

_I think about you, baby_

_And I dream about you all the time_

_I'm here without you, baby_

_But you're still with me in my dreams_

_And tonight, girl, it's only you and me_

Jason stood again and kept walking wearily, tears stinging behind his eyes. He saw another couple coming the opposite way and decided to take a detour. He turned a corner and found himself between two buildings.

Jason shuddered. It was like one of those creepy movie scenes where people get jumped. Something itched on his face and when he reached up to scratch it, he felt a wetness on his fingertips.

He couldn't contain it anymore. He had never admitted it fully to anyone. No one ever asked, so he never felt it necessary to open up to anyone. Now it was going to change. He would shout it to the world.

"It's my fault you're dead, Marie! It's my fault!" He yelled, his quavering voice reverberating off the buildings, tears now streaming down his face. "It's because of me!"

A feeling more complicated than just love burned inside him. A passionate love for Marie, a fiery anger for what he had done, and searingly cold hatred for the way things had to be danced in his mind.

_Everything I know, and anywhere I go_

_It gets hard but it wont take away my love_

_And when the last one falls_

_When it's all said and done_

_It gets hard but it won't take away my love_

Jason turned and ran. He ran back to his apartment building and up the stairs. He rammed the door open and slipped inside, slamming it shut behind him.

He sprinted to his bedroom, grabbed the picture off the bedside table and collapsed on the unmade bed, clutching it for dear life, his crying muffeled by his pillow, his tears staining the pillowcase and bedsheets.

"Marie, I'm so sorry!" Jason choked out. "I'm sorry!" He closed his eyes tighter and hugged the picture of his love.

Every moment of Marie and him flashed through his mind as for the first time since the day she died, the assassin Jason Bourne cried himself to sleep.

_I'm here without you, baby _

_But you're still on my lonely mind _

_I think about you, baby _

_And I dream about you all the time _

_I'm here without you, baby _

_But you're still with me in my dreams _

_And tonight, girl, it's only you and me _

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Yuki: I hope you liked it. I cried when I was writing it, I'm not used to writing this kind of stuff and I was painfully aware of my ability to write like this when I started sobbing. .

Azumi: R&R!

(1) German. Translates as "What, do you think I'm a fool?"

(2) German. Roughly translates as "I think myself a fool now, Marie."

(3) That was a scene deleted from Bourne Identity. 'Tis on the dvd.


End file.
